In the December of 2009 my Master and I planned our first international destination visit to Singapore where his very first student is based out of. The whole program was laid out for my Master to go and teach Spiritual to her as well as meet others who were keen to learn – the whole exercise of planning began. With all the excitement in this world I started planning for our trip. My mother was also to accompany us. However, I was not privy to the entire back-ground.
It was initially decided that my Master will stay with my friend’s family where my Mother and I were to be staying. However, on the day we landed in Singapore his student had decided that my Master would live at her brother’s place and this was the first shocker for me as I was not told about this early on. It came as a big blow to me as I wanted to be with my Master. And now began the fun. 🙂
With great disappointment I accepted this although I still kept asking my Master why things had to be like that but he said he was his student’s guest and had to abide by what she had planned for him. This was the beginning of my hatred of my Master’s student. Before I continue, one thing I would like to make clear here – everything I am expressing here whilst true but are the Leelas of my Lord who has manifested with his coterie to play this sport on this earth. Being born in this human body one has to go through the process of learning and I am here learning under my Master of what is Spiritual all about, what Love for Krsna is all about, etc.
Now back to my story – this was my first separation from my Master and for the first time, the feeling that my Krsna Master belongs to someone else crept in. The most important and the prime lesson for a starter on the path of the Spiritual is that you cannot own nor possess the Master. He is neither the body, mind or the senses. He is beyond the material world and has transcended the three Gunas (Modes of material nature – Sattva – Goodness, Rajas – Passion and Tamas – Stupor). He is the Supreme Lord of this Universe – the Supreme Divine Consciousness alone.
In the first 3 months I believed that my Krsna belonged to me but here was my first lesson where all that vanished the minute I saw what was going on in his world with his other student. But this is only a delusion, or what we call in Spiritual as Lord’s ‘Maya’ who was playing a role only for me to progress in my Spiritual path and understand the Truth behind all that was happening. Given that I was only few months old into the path, just an unripe fruit which had to go through the process of ripening i.e. to uncover the ignorance for the knowledge to be illuminated from within. That is why the Guru is called the remover of darkness or ignorance and as the uncovering happens the knowledge becomes self-effulgent – hence it is called ‘Self Realization’
I now began to hate my Master’s disciple and started to get angry with Him and at the same time I was experiencing immense pangs of separation for my Master. It was highly impossible for me to stay at my friend’s place. I could not focus on anything but the only craving was to be with my Krsna. Everyday my Master would give Satsang and I would make it a point to go running for it no matter where I was. While on one side I used to feel so happy and at peace with myself the moment I would go to meet him and listen to the Satsang and at the same time I used to get angry seeing his disciple around him. But in this process my Love and devotion started growing and my quest for Spiritual increased with every given moment.
Throughout my entire trip I only used to think about my Krsna Master even though I was going around sight-seeing with my Mom and my friends. Though I was with them physically my mind was only thinking about Krsna. What was he doing, where was he? Has he eaten? Was his disciple taking care of him or not? Where ever I went I started to see him there and wished he was with me in person. I couldn’t stop crying! This was something I experienced for the first time in my life. From then on it has only grown deeper and deeper even to date.
A strange burning in my heart happens. At that time I did not know what was going on with me and why it was happening. But today I can understand it and feel so blessed for this growing Love and Devotion to my Krsna. Every moment I Pray that my ‘Tishnagi’ for my Lord to grow beyond the limit of sky which can never ever be measured to the one who is ‘Athangasagar’ limitless Ocean. Though he was kind enough to talk to me every single day over the phone it was only for a short duration as the incoming calls in Singapore are chargeable. But none of this still could appease my thirst for Him or the longing to be with Him.
Then after a week or so he graced me with his presence at my friend’s place. I was the happiest person alive that day and had never felt so on top of the world before. It was for me the ultimate thing to happen. And when he visited me I was sitting at his feet and crying away to glory. I told him how much I Love Him and what he means to me. How much I want to learn Spiritual from Him. But at the same time the bitterness for his disciple also grew quite strongly. I hated all that she had made my Krsna go through and how much he was suffering because of her.
While I was taking it very patiently but deep within a strong hatred for her grew because of the amount of pain she had given to my Krsna. I do not physically possess my Lord but in my heart I possess Him. I cannot see or take anyone treating him badly or causing Him pain. They mustn’t make Him suffer due to their mistakes. But Krsna is so kind and compassionate that He takes on everyone’s sins and suffers for them. Today I learnt this exact lesson in the Baba’s pothi – a reiteration to how great the Guru is who endures all sufferings of his devotees and disciples while bestowing His grace on them so that they do not fall from the Grace of the God and the Guru. Like this my Master tested my faith in my quest for the Spiritual and how truly I want to be with Him and learn from Him.
With the grace of my Master I have been able to pen this most wonderful experience in a string of words. Thank you for reading and do watch out for my next write-up about the Test of my Quest for Spiritual Part II.