I am hurt at what he had to say about me! After so many years also, he doesn’t think that I am good enough.
Why is it always, that I have to be at the receiving end? I have done so much for him and yet he says that I am no good.
I feel that I have given everything to this relationship and yet I am being told that I am not doing anything at all. I spent all my youth and prime time of my life building this relationship and in one stroke it is destroyed. Today, I feel so used and I know I will never be able to get back into the same space once again.
It’s a lost cause. I am being blamed for all that has happened. Where did I do anything at all? I am the one who was covering up all the loopholes and loose ends in life. I took all the crap and kept quite all the time. I knew what was good for this bond but here I am right in the middle of the crossroads and nowhere to go.
I feel cheated and robbed off everything that I owned. He has taken everything away from me even though I was an equal partner in this whole thing. If I would have known that this would be the returns that I would get out of this partnership I would not have got into it in the first place. I regret everything that I did. I am not ungrateful like he says, but he surely is. I gave this relationship all that I could. I nurtured it and made it strong.
He was always the one who never committed to it. I had to make him say that he loves me. He never said it on his own. I knew he was always a self centered person and now that is proved beyond doubt. He took me to the cleaners.
What am I going to do now? I don’t know what is there for me to live for. I should have been dead. I don’t want to live anymore. This life has been worth nothing to me. I wish I had never set my eyes on him in the first place. It was all a mistake.
God, this is terrible. I cannot live like this. Please give me death. I have been let down so badly. I wish this was just a dream and I will wake up soon and everything will be fine. God, do something about it. Give me a sign that I can truly believe in you. Show me a miracle and I will come to your doorstep and praise you to heaven. I know there is no God there. You are just a figment of imagination. I should not have trusted and invested in you. Just leave me alone. I want to run away somewhere. I want to go some place where no one will disturb me. I just want to disappear.
I know everyone goes through this shit in life. There isn’t a single human being who could say I am exempt from the above. I have taken a random case and shown how we all behave.
This is truly the state of a martyr. First blaming the world, then themselves and finally God.
Didn’t you identify an ego over here? And notice how big that ego is? It tells you that I am hurt. I am at fault, I am responsible, I am the loser, I am used…..
The I in the statements above is the strongest. It is hurt ego. It is bloated by the pus of egotism. Hardly anyone recognizes the truth. This hurt ego is the worst enemy of man. If it was bloated, it could be punctured. Truly, the ego that is hurt is far greater and bigger than that inflated one.
Man fails to recognize the hand of destiny here. Man believes he is the doer and the receiver. He feels he is the one who is punished. Still it is the perfectly distinct ego. Don’t think otherwise!
Spiritual teaches one not to have either kind of ego. Bloated or deflated. Knowing that everything happens because of destiny and allowing the same to happen, one learns about the hand of God. Once you give the power of attorney to God or Guru, then just get on with it. Don’t blame anyone. Let them both take care of you and take you safely towards the shore of freedom and immortality. Taking the name of God and knowing that you are only a performer with a bound script, will help one to overcome this ego.
Prayers, learning under spiritual Master, doing spiritual practice or Sadhanas, being humble, surrendering to the will of God, performing your worldly duties and not expecting results from your actions are the true pathways to emancipation and freedom. Follow these paths and you will reach there soon.
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