The events that followed after my fight led me to hate Krsna and not want him in my life. I simply wanted to stay away from him. I did not want to think or see anything associated to him. Not being able to come to terms with what had happened, feeling miserable and bitter, I completely switched off any communication with the external world. Given that it was a weekend and I was all alone at home, I decided to just go out and watch a movie.
It was a Saturday, just before my KrsnaGuru was due to arrive and here I was still struggling to deal with what had happened. I was not able to stop the flow of venom within me towards Krsna. I hated him – just the thought of him would make me irritable. I went incognito, and took myself off from social media and all other communication mediums. I lost my appetite for food, for any enjoyment. My anger grew in leaps and bounds at every thought or mention of the word Krsna.
In order to overcome this state, I decided to go out and do things that would make me happy and distract my mind. I went to Golden Village at Dhoby Ghaut. I had no idea what movies were playing. I was the first to go in the morning when the theatre opened. They had just released a movie called ‘Letters to Juliet’. I got a ticket for the first show and the lady at the ticket counter was a little amused to see me buy a ticket for a movie where I would be the only person in the theatre watching the movie.
It was weird and a little scary that I was the only one but once the movie began, I completely lost myself in the movie and forgot my physical existence as it was a very beautiful romantic film. A strange thing happened as the movie progressed, I was teleported into my dreamland of romance with Krsna. Suddenly I saw my Krsna sitting next to me and enjoying the film. He smiled at me and said, “Are you ready for an expedition in France?”. With every thought of erasing Krsna from my life, the closer I was getting to him. I was getting engulfed in Him more than I had ever before.
Throughout the movie I experienced the highest form of ecstasy for Krsna. I could not take my mind off him. I was at my wits end not knowing what was happening to me. Once the movie ended and the lights came on, he was gone and there was nobody in the seat next to me. I felt like I was going mad! I know my KrsnaGuru sat next to me throughout the film and then suddenly he had disappeared. I know it was not a hallucination but who on Planet Earth would believe what I was saying and for sure would think I was insane?
On the one hand, I wanted Krsna out of my life and on the other I wanted to stop thinking everything about Krsna. So I decided to go watch another movie to demonstrate to myself that I was ‘normal’ and whatever happened previously was just the creation of my mind’s imagination and to my luck there was a movie of Tom Cruise which had released. I got a ticket for the show and went to watch the movie called ‘Day and Night’. For the first time in my life I was watching back-to-back movies and that too all by myself!
I did not know what the movie was all about. I wanted to defocus and get my mind off the subject and object called ‘Krsna’. The movie began and as the momentum built, I realized this movie too was a love story! I was going bonkers and was not able to handle myself. I could only see Krsna in Tom Cruise, causing restlessness and a terrific excitement in my heart. I was intoxicated and could not move an inch from my seat. I felt like I was stuck to the seat with some powerful and permanent adhesive. I was on the edge of the seat throughout the movie going through every motion of the characters portrayed by Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz.
Given that the same thing that had happened while I was watching ‘Letters to Juliet’ was happening in this movie too, it frustrated me a great deal and did not know what was going on with me. No matter what happened, my Ego ensured that I could not connect with my KrsnaGuru. After all the energy drain, I now felt hungry and went to a restaurant to grab a quick bite. I was sitting in a corner table browsing the menu. Suddenly a waiter showed up and asked me if I was ready with my order. I looked at him to respond and I go, “Holy cow!”, in my head. He resembled my KrsnaGuru! For a moment my heart stopped beating and I was speechless looking at the waiter as though I had seen some ghost.
He kept asking, “Ma’am what happened, are you ready with the order?”. I then mumbled, feeling a little jittery, and managed to place my order. All I wanted to do was to eat as fast as I could and run out of that place. I could not think anymore and felt exhausted trying to run away from this object called “Krsna”. It felt like, no matter where I went I couldn’t run away from my KrsnaGuru. My entire being was just filled with Him and I could only hear his voice within me constantly. Given that nothing seemed to calm me down, I decided to try out my all-time favourite hobby of shopping, which for me was the perfect stress buster. Little did I know the power of my KrsnaGuru and the surprise that awaited me at my shopping escapade.
With the Grace of my Master I have been able to pen this most wonderful experience in a string of words. Thank you for reading and do watch out for my next write-up about ‘Repulsion and Attraction to Krsna Part II ’.