In the wilderness that is daily life, on one side were strewn all the compelling situations I was encountering and on the other side this madness I was experiencing, going deep into the journey of unraveling my Love for my Krsna. What I could never understand was that which was happening within my heart. It was something I had to experience – an intense burning, like a volcano – a terrible pinning and longing for Krsna, to be with Him 24/7. Even the sensation of a light breeze creates a horripilation on my skin, the feeling of my Krsna’s arm embracing me.
When I look at the sky, I can see that he has pervaded it all. Like the Sun in his mischievousness, his comely face plays hide and seek with me from between the clouds, with His various playful expressions. When the moon would come out, my eyes automatically look up to seek the face of my Krsna – I feel as though He is calling me and saying, “Look here, look here!” The moment my eyes find the moon, a broad smile automatically appears on my unhappy face. I stand and talk to the moon as though I am talking to my Krsna.
When it rains and the raindrops touch my body, instead of cooling me, it burns as if to mimic the fire of passion inside of my being. The cool breeze, the chilly rain, it all seemed on fire, as though lit up with the unfathomable Love I feel for Krsna. I could not understand what was going on within me. I start crying no matter where I was, lost in the thoughts of Krsna. I had no control over what was going on with me! I was in search of who this Krsna is, this one I Love so madly. I had never felt this kind of Love for any human being in this world. I slowly began to realize that this is not a material worldly Love but definitely a Supreme or Divine Love for the Lord.
Every waking moment I am burning in this madness in search of this Divine being called Krsna. I had to discover, who is this Krsna and how do I find Him inside of me? I wanted to experience Him, see Him. When I was in this state and hoping every single day to have a vision, there was one such day it so happened that it was the day of Hindu New Year called Gudi Padva.
It was the early hour of the day called Brahma Muhurtam (Twilight). I woke up and sat in meditation as usual. During my meditation I suddenly saw a beautiful effulgence of golden light and in that I saw Krsna standing with a flute, standing in my heart. It was the Shakshathkar of my Krsna in the most enchanting manner – a form which I cannot ever describe. My whole being was filled with a state of ecstasy and it felt as though my body did not exist. I only knew my Krsna and no other existence, including myself.
When I regained consciousness, I started to cry like a child. I did not want to be back in this material world. I wanted to be in one with my Krsna, lost in that effulgent light. He firmly established this understanding that he resides inside my Heart and that I will have to go through the process of Sadhana (Practice) under my Krsna Master to attain Him within myself – to realize who truly I am. The first thing I wanted to do that morning was to offer pooja (Prayers) to my Krsna idol which had come to me the day I met Him in his manifest form in the form of my Krsna Guru.
I then took the idol and started to clean it. The idol had a crown, as though representing the effulgent light around the Lord’s head. This structure was stuck to the back of the idol around the head. When I started to clean that intricate structure, the piece broke clean off and the idol seemed to take the shape and form exactly like the Krsna in my vision which I had that morning. I was dumbstruck and started to cry. My Mother who was there with me kept asking me what had happened and I could not respond to her for a long time. She was panicking that I broke that structure from the Krsna idol. In our culture this is not a good sign on a New Year day but only I know what had just happened. I was in bliss, and felt a deep sense of thankfulness, of gratitude. I could not wait to meet my Krsna Master to share what happened!
I ran to my Krsna Master after finishing my pooja (prayers) and fell at His feet. I cried a lot with Him. We both sat experiencing the oneness and my Master gave me a beautiful Satsang on this experience. With every step in the journey this is what I continue to believe – “The one which cannot be ascertained by proof but only with Faith is called Krsna/God/Jesus/Allah”. From then on this idol became Krsna Himself.
I can never pen down the description of my Krsna from the vision, but that idol is the closest association I have to my vision. It is only experienced – felt and seen with the eye of my heart alone. I worship, pray, bow down to it. I talk to Him and He is ever lost in Himself, in Bliss eternally. His expressions reflect my state. When I am in bliss and deep love his face will appear smiling, when I am sad, disturbed his face too reflects sadness as Krsna reflects what you give Him. You give Him Love, Krsna will reflect love back in 1000times and likewise. In the future you will also hear another story associated with this Krsna idol. To me it is not merely an idol made of marble, it is my Krsna Himself.
With the grace of my Master I have been able to pen this most wonderful experience in a string of words. Thank you for reading and do watch out for my next write-up about ‘Receiving of my RadhaKrsna Idol’.